


Confession

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel in the Bunker, Love Confessions, M/M, Men of Letters Bunker
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-26
Updated: 2016-08-30
Packaged: 2018-08-11 02:36:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7872679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I sensed over the years that I might be falling. It wasn’t until my time as a human that I became sure of what those feelings meant. Falling in love: Falling in love with Dean. </p><p>Castiel decides to take the plunge and finally confess to Dean how he really feels.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Confession

I sensed over the years that I might be falling. It wasn’t until my time as a human that I became sure of what those feelings meant. Falling in love: Falling in love with Dean. 

Now, back to full-powered angel status, I found it harder to express what I felt. It seemed to be one of the few disadvantages of being a multidimensional wavelength of celestial intent. 

Unfortunately, it seems that humans, particularly the stubborn hunter type have the same problem. So, I have been waiting for Dean to analyze his own feelings, before I make any sort of ‘move’ as they call it, but it at this point seemed that day may never come.

“Sam.” He nearly jumped out of his chair, coiled, and ready to fight. Right, no ‘popping in’.

“Cas! Come on, what the hell?”

“I’m sorry, I need to talk to you about something” Sam rolled his eyes.

“Well if you are coming to me,” Sam paused, “It has to be about Dean.” I tilt my head slightly and look towards him. But instead of answering the look, he waved me off, “What did you want to talk about?”

There was an awkward pause while I try to find my words. I ran my gaze across the room trying to look for something to focus on besides Sam. There were books strewn across the map table, as always. 

“He is on a beer run, Cas” Sam said looking at me with one eyebrow raised. He thought I was looking for Dean, but I knew that he was out. That’s why I came now, but that doesn’t make it easier, not really. 

I straightened my posture and reigned in my confidence. 

There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that Sam had noticed my feelings for Dean. He was smart. Not that it would really take a rocket scientist to figure it out. I went straight to the point. “I am sure that you are aware that I have certain, affectionate feelings for Dean” I paused as Sam’s eyes snapped open wide and eyebrows raised halfway up his forehead. But he didn’t disagree, so I continue, “However, as many emotions that Humans are capable of expressing, it is strange that Dean doesn’t see his own feelings. If I hadn’t patched his soul together myself I would think that he doesn't reciprocate at all…” I trailed off realizing that another emotion was climbing into my voice, one I have become more familiar with in these years on Earth. Fear.

Sam broke the silence with a deep, gut-splitting laugh. I glared at him with confusion and more than a little annoyance. With what seemed to take a good deal of effort, Sam stopped laughing. As he stuttered and tried to compose himself, he apologized. 

“I’m sorry man, you have to understand how cliché this is; asking me about Dean?” He struggled to hold back his laughter. “I mean, Cas, he is the most emotionally constipated person I’ve met. He’s even worse than you!” I looked at him unmoving, and I suppose this furthered his amusement because he chuckled, “Look, I don’t make an effort to get involved in Dean’s love life but if I had to bet on who he wants to wake up to every morning...” He gestured vaguely in my direction.

I could feel my face flushing and my composure failing. 

Sam started again, “If you are waiting on Dean to approach you…” He let his words trail and shook his head slowly, becoming more serious “you will be waiting forever, Cas. It might not seem like it but Dean can get scared. Believe me. He puts on this mask, but being open with someone scares him more than anything... I don’t want to tell you what to do, but I think if you want to, you know, have a relationship,” Sam’s face twisted a little when he said relationship. I suppose he didn't want to think about what his brother and I might do behind closed doors. The thought pulled at the edge of my lips, threatening to break out into a full on grin. “You are probably going to have to just talk to him.”

I noded, “Yes, I think you are right.” 

I appeared in what has become my room in the bunker. I heard Sam shout “Nice talk” from downstairs. But I ignored him and looked towards my unused bed. I remember when I moved in and Dean insisted we put it in, even when I told him I didn't need it. I remember how cute that was, how It made me smile and all of the troubles we faced and trials we had endured fell away for that moment. 

I also thought about all of the times that Sam has tried the ‘just talk to him’ approach with Dean and how not-so-well that has worked out for him. I began to pace nervously, planning what to say. 

Some minutes later I heard the unmistakable sound of Dean’s laugh and the clinking of glasses in the War Room. I couldn’t help but wonder what was making him laugh…

I appeared in front of Dean, he is with Sam taking a swig of his beer. He choked on his drink and sat up swiftly. 

“Cas, God Damnit!” I strolled closer to him, ignoring his irritated outburst and gripped his shoulder; right where my hand rested when I raised him from hell. I can feel his soul, and I know on some level, he can feel my grace. It is our bond. 

Sam said something about leaving us alone and walked towards his room. Dean shifted out of my touch, and began to rub his eyes. He always looks so tired.

“You look serious. Even for you. What happened, we start another apocalypse or something?” He chuckled, but at my silence Dean’s eyes flicker with worry. 

“No, nothing like that” I spat quickly. With this I could see stress lift from his shoulders and the fear move from the edges of his face. Leaving behind only the traces of tension that are a part of Dean and the life that he leads. It’s crazy that we live in a world where the Winchesters, particularly Dean, hold the weight of the world on their shoulders. I watched him, still looking into his green eyes, trying to coax him into returning my gaze. 

“Then, what’s up?” He asked casually. 

“Dean, we have been through much together-” My voice cracked.

“Hey, Cas, come on, no chick-flick moments.” Dean said jokingly, slapping me on my shoulder. He was looking into my eyes with his eyebrows raised.

“I know.” I said chuckling a little. Dean was the only one who could make me laugh over the stupidest things. 

At the silence he dropped his arms defeated. “Alright, go on then.”

“We have been through everything together, and you are all that I have left. The only one who has always stood by me. And ever since I pieced your soul together in hell, we have been connected.”

“What do you mean?”

“It is a profound bond, Dean”

“Okay, but what does that mean?” Dean furrowed his brow. I wasn’t explaining very well.

“Dean, I suppose what I am really trying to say is that I love you.” Dean’s eyes grew wide before he put his poker face back on.

“Well, I mean, I love you too buddy. But, that’s not really something that I like to throw around. Wouldn’t want people to get the wrong idea.” Dean played it cool, and trying to laugh it off. But I could hear his heart beating and it was definitely pulsing faster than it should in casual conversation.

Slowly, I moved closer to him, “What if I want them to get the ‘wrong idea’...” Dean looked at him still confused. I thought I was being clear, but somehow Dean still didn’t understand or didn't want to. 

“You're not making any sense Cas. Are you okay?” My composure falters again.

“No, Dean. I am not okay, I feel like it has been so obvious. I love you Dean!” I was nearly yelling now, my own emotional plug falling free letting everything pour out. “Not, I love you like a brother, or a best friend. I love you like I want to kiss you until I can’t breathe!”

“Oh” Dean whispered, their eye contact unwavering. It felt like a burden was lifted off my shoulders, but I could see it only transferred to Dean’s. He just stared quietly, saying nothing. Unmoving. This was what I was afraid of. 

I say nothing and I disappear into my room. Once I’m there, I lay on my bed, emotionally exhausted. That is not how I imagined it going. 

The worst case scenarios were filling my thoughts: He thinks I am disgusting; He will kick me out, wanting nothing to do with me; Every time I ever thought he could have felt the same way it must have been in my head. The hopeful mind of a lovesick angel playing tricks on me. 

I feel a single tear roll down my cheek. I should have never told him anything. Now nothing can be the same.

I don’t know how much time has passed, minutes or hours, when Dean came to my door. He didn’t knock, he just walked in. Dean looked for me, but I was invisible to him. 

He called out “Cas, I need you, come back so we can figure this out. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” He nearly whispered the last part. The last thing I wanted to do is talk to Dean now, but hearing him call my name tugged at my heart and I couldn’t ignore him. I slid back into his view.

“I am here”

“Cas… I’m sorry, I didn't know what to say.” This was when I noticed that Dean’s breath was thick with the scent of cheap whiskey and beer.

We can talk about this tomorrow. “It’s okay Dean, let's just get you to bed.” That’s always what they do in the movies. I picked him up and carried him like a child, and it was easy. He weighs next to nothing in my arms. Just another reminder about how different we are. Too different.

I appearred in Dean’s room and set him down gently on his bed. I turned to leave but Dean grabbed the sleeve of my coat and told me simply, “No.”

“You’re intoxicated.” I shook my head. Dean didn’t let go.

“Cas, I love you too.” The words struck through my heart like an arrow ripping through the middle, taking a chunk with it. 

“You are drunk” I said a little more forcefully, ripping my coat sleeve from his hand. Dean sat up at this, looking hurt.

“I don’t care if I am. Stay with me, you said you always had my back, so stay.” He was practically begging me. Seeing Dean so out of character was heart-breaking. My gaze softened.

“Cas, I might be drunk, but that’s the only way I could get the balls to tell you that... I love you. Not like a brother, or a best friend.” He quoted my earlier confession, with a slur to his words. I just stared, wanting to believe him. Dean motioned with his hands for me to come nearer. “Come here Cas.” 

I tried to protest, shaking my head, “Dean stop”.

“Come here.” Dean said with his eyes wide and serious. Out of options, I sat down on the bed beside him and looked at him.

“Okay. What is it?”

“Stay the night with me Castiel”

“Dean, I can’t you are not yourself right now.” Despite my protests, there is no doubt in my mind that if he started something, I would give in to him in a moment.

“Just stay here while I sleep, I want to see you when I wake up”

So I did what he asked. I moved the blanket and slid in awkwardly beside Dean. And I laid there all night. Wondering what all of this meant. Would he remember this, would he deny it, or would everything be different?


	2. My Unused Bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean claims he doesn't remember the night before, but Cas doesn't buy it. Things escalate late that night when Cas finds Dean drinking again.

Dean woke with a start.

We were face to face lying in his bed. I could see the emotions running behind his eyes: confusion, fear, pain. He closed his eyes tightly, putting his hands over his face and moaning. He was hungover, I could tell that much. 

He stumbled out of the room, and I said nothing. Even though I had all night to figure it out, I still had no idea what that night before meant. 

I got out of the bed, feeling stiff from lying without moving all night. I followed Dean out the door he passed through only minutes before.

He was in the kitchen as I expected. He always was when he and Sam weren't working a case. 

“Hello Dean”

“Hey Cas…” He said with his back still turned, stirring something. Then he spun around, smiling with his cheeks full. It was a smile that could distract you from just about anything. “I’m about to make breakfast, you want anything?” He was clearly trying to force casual conversation.

“No, Dean, you know that I don’t.” I said a little confused. Was he really going to ignore what happened; where they woke up this morning? His smile wasn’t that distracting.

“Just thought I’d ask, jeez” he said with mock offense. “Did you need something then?” he asked, but I wasn't falling for it.

“Do you remember last night Dean?”

He paused his stirring briefly, but then continued, “No, I was drunk. I probably wouldn’t have even remembered my own name. I’ve got the hangover to prove it.” He laughed, but his pause told me that he was lying, at least about not remembering.

“But you remember just waking up. In your bed, with me-”

I was cut off by the sound of pots being thrown onto the ground. He knocked 5 of them off the hanging rack and onto the floor. “Let’s just forget about it” there was a calmness to his words that didn’t match his outburst. 

I just left, appearing back in my room. My gaze was caught by my unused bed. But I don’t think of moving in and the sweet memories that come with that. I thought about the night before - in Dean’s bed - where as confused as I was, I still thought there might be hope. I stayed in my room all day. It felt childish but I didn't want to see Dean, and I didn't want to leave either. I just needed to think. 

Around two in the morning I wondered out because I could hear the sound of someone in the war room. The sound of clinking glasses, and the shuffle of feet. 

“Dean” He turned his head and glared at me clearly frustrated I was interrupting. But he just as swiftly returned to his position facing away from me. I take the opportunity to scan the room. Dean left the lights off, but I could make out three empty beer bottles and a brand-new twelve pack by his chair. Apparently he had the same idea as the night before.

“You can’t do this. It won’t make anything go away, Dean.”

“I know.” he stated as he finished off his bottle. He slammed it on the table. After a moment he began with his voice fragile and thick. “Why did you have to do this Cas? Everything was perfect. We were happy.” He cleared his throat, “Or least I was, now nothing can be the same”.

“I’m sorry” I nearly whispered. This isn’t what I meant to do. This isn't what was meant to happen. “What can I do to help you Dean? To fix this?”

“Nothing. You can’t do anything.”

“You told me- You told me you loved me. I thought- at least I’d hoped everything would be okay.”

“Well, It’s not. I shouldn’t have said what I said.”

“So you do remember.”

“‘Corse I do.”

“What are we going to do?” I was becoming frustrated. He still hadn't turned around. He just stared out into the darkness of the far room. I grabbed his chair and whipped him around to face me. The chair screeching against the floor. Probably leaving scratches to find in the morning.

Dean looks up at me, shocked. I was inches from his face, my hand on the back of his chair, leaning over him. His eyes were rimmed in red and his lips wet with beer. Seeing him with his green eyes gazing into mine inspired a lust in me that I wasn't aware of until this moment. I could see the light from the map table creating little crescents on his wide Iris’s, highlighting the flecks of gold that I was too busy to notice before. It took all I had in me not to take advantage of this position and Dean’s drunken state. To defile him.

“I don’t know.” He stated answering the question I all but forgot I had asked. I continue to stare him down, trying to ignore the way the closeness makes me feel and focus on the problem we are facing. “I don’t know” he declared more forcefully.

“What do you want, Dean, what do you really want?” I said this slowly enunciating every word and putting power behind each one.

I stood up straight, missing the closeness already. I disappeared to my room with a flurry of wings and feathers.

It was nearly an hour later when he came to my room. Surprisingly, he wasn't drunk, or at least not anymore than he was before. He wandered over to my bed and sat down, patting the spot beside him, inviting me to join.

“You know,” Dean began, “I have a hard time opening up to people because-” He paused and ran his tongue over his lips trying to find the words he needed. I suppose he gave up because he just sighed and said, “because the world sucks. You get thrown around and beaten, and you get back up. You keep fighting. But when you open up to someone you make yourself vulnerable to wounds that might never heal. That you may never be able to recover from. I don’t want to get hurt that way. Not like that. I can take a couple of broken ribs and bruises any day, but not that.”

I was quiet for a moment, surprised that he was really dropping his guard. Finally all I could say was “I understand”. I turned to sand up, but he grabs my sleeve, just as he had before. I could feel my brows furrow as I looked back to where Dean was sitting, unmoving.

“I’m not done yet.” I slid back to my position. “Just because I’m scared of something doesn't mean shouldn't do it. I am not a coward.” He makes sure I understand the last part, looking at me in the eye and speaking each word intensely.

I noded and waited, but he didn’t continue. “ I never thought you were a caward.”

“Good. So, we are good then?” he said, relaxing like everything had been solved.

“What do you mean Dean? You still haven't told me what you want… You know, with me.” He looked at me, exasperated. 

Instead of answering the question, he slid closer to me. The bed bouncing with the change in weight. Our legs were touching, the sides of our hips pressed together. His heartbeat faster, and through the darkness I can see his face begin to flush. He is nervous, and I’ve never seen Dean look nervous before. It is adorable. He slowly placed his hand on my leg and I nearly jump out of my skin. It wasn’t a friendly touch, it was a touch with purpose, a touch that hints at more. Suddenly I understood what was happening. As slowly as the earth spins we moved closer, our faces getting nearer and he closes his eyes. I do the same. 

And then our lips touched, and everything was different. 

It doesn’t matter that I am an angel and he is a human. It doesn’t matter that we are scared. It doesn’t matter that I have no idea what might come next, or what really changed Dean’s mind. All that matters is this moment. Here and now.

Our kiss deepens as Dean moved his hand under my coat and to the small of my back . He pulled me closer and I adjusted more than happily. We are as close as we can be while still sitting side by side. 

I threw my leg over Dean’s waist, straddling him. A moan escaped my mouth when I could feel his hardening dick against my own. Slowly, I began to rock against Dean in time with our mouths. Before long we were rutting against each other, fully clothed, Dean laying on his back while I straddle him. 

Finally he pulled back and looked up at me, his eyes shining “I’ve never done this before, Cas”. I had only ever seen Dean look this vulnerable once before.

When I was under Naomi’s control and I was beating him. He told me we were family, and that was the biggest compliment you could get from Dean. Until yesterday I thought it was the closest thing I would get to ‘I love you’ from him.

“Don’t worry Dean. I haven’t either, and we certainly don’t have to do anything at all if you don't want to.”

“Oh, I want to” Dean growled.

I moaned softly, and I that awakened something in him because he stood up with my legs still wrapped around his hips and turned so that I would be on bottom. Then he let us fall onto the bed. 

I squealed as I hit the sheets, giggling like a love-sick teenager against Dean’s lips. That only encourages him as he kisses down my neck.

The door swung open violently and Sam stood there with his gun and a bitch-face that would make his brother proud. That is if he wasn't pinning me down on the bed with his shirt halfway up his body.

“OH GOD!” Sam freezes and covers his eyes with his hands, dropping his gun to the floor. “God, come on guys!”

Dean was faster to register what was happening than I was. He lept off of me, and pulled his shirt back into place.

“Dammit Sam” Dean’s face was red with passion and a brewing embarrassment. I was too shocked to move. I just lie on the bed with the crumpled sheets still grinning slightly. It was the first time my bed had been used, and I have to say. I wouldn't mind using it more often.

“The door was unlocked! I heard cas scream! What was I supposed to do?” Sam uncovered his eyes experimentally. And then dropped his hands when he saw Dean was standing and away from the bed.

“Well, Get out!” Dean yelled.

“Right” Sam said, nodding. He shut the door behind him as he backed out. It was quiet for a moment then a muffled cheer comes through the door “Have fun you two!”

I smiled, even if I was supposed to be embarrassed, I couldn’t be. I was too happy.

Dean doesn't smile.

He sat down on the edge of the bed and put his hands over his face, sighing.

“Well that was weird” I said laughing lightly.

He stayed silent for a second that felt like minutes. Then he moved his hands down his face, wiping at it roughly. “Yeah. It was.” 

“Dean… are you okay?”

“I’m gonna just head to bed.” I could feel my face fall, my smile vanish from my face. I opened my mouth to say something but he stopped me before I could saying, “I have a lot to think about.”

He walked out of the door without looking at me. Leaving me sitting there with my hair tousled and my lungs and heart still working too hard. I closed my eyes and with one thought stopped my labored breathing. I didn’t need them anyways. I scowled into the blackness, sure that I would never understand the man I’d fallen for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Chapater 2. I would really appreciate any feedback you have. Good or bad. 
> 
> Thank you for reading again!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading my work! I hope I will get the next chapter out soon, but I am new at writing so we will see. Please feel free to comment how you feel about the story so far!


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